The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had to cum in my sink.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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