shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
