all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
