saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
