I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just pee around me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
try to milk me bitch
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