i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
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Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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