I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
