You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
