I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
