I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
