Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
