Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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