You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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