Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
