did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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