I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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