i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
