Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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