but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
