me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You are a genius and a whore.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
