Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
