all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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