It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
