i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
