Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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