Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
