I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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