Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize