Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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