I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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