How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
