i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
