It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
