I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
