For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
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me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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