It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I cut my penus on the lid.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
