I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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