So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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