I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
