We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
