He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
