get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
