I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
