i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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