can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
