My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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