Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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