Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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