My hand turned me down
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
