Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
