my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
