i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
