What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I need help removing her.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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