My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
