R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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