Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
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When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
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A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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