If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
