I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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