The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
